Tag Archives: love

My Kintsugi Heart !!

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My Heart looks like Kintsugi pottery!

small kintsugi hearts

Crash course Kintsugi pottery-broken pottery that has been repaired with resins and gold powder. The repaired piece is many times worth more than unbroken due to the craftsmanship and materials used to fix it!

We have all had broken hearts – it is part of life! Some are blessed to have had their hearts broken only a few times. And for us others, well we are just too big hearted, too empathetic-we have big hearts and we can’t help but to love others! And our hearts show it:

kintsugi heart

We don’t have one or two broken lines-no, our hearts show how much we love! And right now mine feels shattered!

AND YES IT HURTS-YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR CHEST-YOU CAN NOT DENY THE FEELING!!  It takes away your breath, your chest is squeezed tight, you think :”Just let me die now-I can”t stand this pain!”  But somehow the Universe does it’s magic and with time the pain goes away and you begin to live again and Love again!

But this time it is different for me-I can feel that I need to be very careful with the mending, I need to take my “Kintsugi work”  very seriously! I feel a hardness creeping into the repair. My inner voice tells me that this is the beginning of a HARDENED HEART !   I have to repair with Love- not bitterness or anger!

But this break, this is so different than any before, this break challenges me, taunts me and evil lurks in the shadow hoping I’ll turn bitter-I can feel the pull-how easy it would be to follow THAT path! To give in to the hate and ugliness. On THAT path the pain is masked by anger and hate and for a short while we feel like we have conquered the pain, but the truth is that : it is still there and when we are alone and daydreaming the pain creeps back up and we find ourselves in a vicious cycle of HURTING and HATING!

And before we realize what has happened, we find that we no longer Love as freely and as innocently as before-we are so afraid of the hurt that we begin to lose our ability to truly Love and be genuine with others. And the saddest in all of this is that we lose the capability to SEE Love that is given to us!

Words of hate or I can not forgive-those are words of evil, of poison, words of keeping us in a cycle of damnation, words of hopelessness!  Words and thoughts that cloud our minds and hearts and keep us from seeing and feeling the Love that is all around us and in everything!

THAT IS NOT ME!

I AM LIGHT!

I AM THE ENCOURAGING WHISPER!

I AM THE GENTLE CARESS!

I AM THE STRENGTH!

I AM HERE!

I AM THE TRUE FRIEND!

I AM LOVE

“LOVE IS ENERGY-LOVE IS ACTON-LOVE IS BIG ”  _S.J.

Snuggles

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We snuggled, we giggled, we laughed, we held each other tight!
She told me her secrets, she told me her dreams, she told me how her heart broke for her hurting friends, she told me about a boy she liked a lot!
And as we sat, holding each other I began to FEEL!
I’m trying to find my way home-I’m trying to find me again!
And this little one holds my lifeline in her little hands , she lights the way in the darkness!
She is a gentle, empathic kid! She feels me-her eyes tell me she understands!
And as we sit holding each other I once again can breathe deeply!

Sonja Grogan

What Lehna has taught Me!

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Walking Lehna the other day after a light rain , she sat patiently as I unhooked her lead. She waited knowing what was coming, not fidgeting or trying to hurry the moment, she sat waiting to hear 2 words from me:”LOS SUCH!”
With that she ran as if her life depended on it-she darted here and there-Mommy did not tell her what to look for , but she knew if she found it, what ever it was ,she would bring it back to Mommy!

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Watching her run, her being doing what was embedded in her soul, I began to see it – the total freedom of the moment, she did not care what anyone thought, she did not care what she looked like -she just knew this is it ! This is life-this moment now! And as she headed to a huge mud puddle my heart jumped for her-I cheered her on :”Go ahead Lehna do it!” and she did!
She dove head first into the muddy puddle , she rolled in it, soaking her fur and letting mud get up her nose! And as she did this “Mud dance” I felt the urge to  join her-to abandon all that was proper and lose this human restraint. To be a kid again!
Time passed too quickly and as I called her :”Lehna” I saw the love in her eyes, the joy, the exhaustion, the LIFE!

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And I realized she loves me , not because of how I look or how I dress or if people would  consider me a trophy or how much money I have or what I could do for her-No, she loves Me-the Soul behind the eyes!!!
You see Dogs do not care about those things, only we “Shallow” humans do !

Sonja Grogan

If this were it!

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As I sit here and wait for the aspirin to lessen the symptoms of Angina, my mind  nears the subject of : Could this be it?
Questions swirl around my mind, keeping me from attaining a state of Zen.
Questions of family,
questions of did I Live, Love, Laugh, Cry, Believe, Give, Care, Dream, Play, Create, Rest…….. enough!
Sitting here afraid to take a deep breath , deep inside I know that by my own standards the answer is NO!

I can’t get enough of this gift of life! It’s beautiful, it’s scary, it’s sad, it’s rich, it’s a rollercoaster, it’s full of surprises!
It is what we make and dream it to be! And my dreams have not all been dreamt-I have dreams to fill 5 life times!

So I tell myself, when this episode is over and my fear is gone , than I will list my dreams and as I make them my reality,
I’ll check them off and let the happiness of accomplishment wash over me!

Until then, I sit still and mentally push the stress away and wait for the aspirin to take effect.

Sonja Grogan

RAVEN II

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I see you everywhere I go,
you are a silent sentry
waiting for me to fully wake!

The images and words,
you placed upon my soul
smoldering gently , burning through the fog
waiting for me to fully wake!

You know the time is near
I feel it in your eyes,
the intensity of your stares
waiting for me to fully wake!

You know my fear,
you see it in my heart,
yet you help not, you are
waiting for me to fully wake!

You’ll not speak to me
until I understand the gift which is given me
So you sit watching and
waiting for me to fully wake!

Raven

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My bike is named RAVEN!
Because while deciding on a name, a RAVEN almost flew into my windshield! She was so close I could have reached out and touched her beautiful black feathers but what was so amazing is that for a split second our eyes met and I felt as if we knew each other! I felt connected, as if we shared the same eyes!

And now that much time has passed, my dreams are filled with visions I can’t yet translate, daily she comes and checks on me, here or there or were ever I may be-watching me !
She leaves words deep within my soul, words that sit and make me ponder, what meaning to all this misery there is.
Why love burns within my being, yet finds no release-smoldering and scalding my blood, bringing tears when I can no longer bear the absence of feeling upon my skin!
Her wings fan the flames within, she teases me with her wings of freedom, soaring above my sorrow, beckoning me to join her on her flight above the nothingness we call life!

She knows the secret of it all, God placed it in her heart!  She shares with me what she is allowed, never revealing all that she has been given, knowing that I’m to discover it myself!

Yes, Mr. Poe, your Raven spoke only one word-NEVERMORE, but my ebony sister leaves me volumes in images and dreams!
Waiting in the depths of my spirit , waiting for me to speak them aloud, waiting for me to piece together the grand story of My Being!