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“I’m not gonna change!-Then you are never going to be happy!” Adult Version

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How many times have you heard someone say: ” I’m not gonna change!”?  How many times have you said or thought it?  I can imagine that a lot of us have said this at one time or another and most likely in anger or when we feel that we have been attacked or judged.

The thing is:  No One wants to be criticized.

We are hurt that someone could point out a perceived flaw that we have.  And anyway why should we change for others? And that is the key…we should not change for others, BUT use the opportunity to have a reality check. See if there is something that we are doing,  that is keeping us stuck in a pattern of unhappiness. For instance, constant complaining about crap that happened at the dawn of time or belly aching about our current situation, being the constant victim, or plain just being a huge prick. Instead of saying: “Fuck-it, this is not gonna do!” and becoming proactive by dropping the: our Fairy Godmother has been “Wanding” us up the rear excuse all these years! ( and besides you can’t depend on that Witch anyway!)

Wake the Hell up! The world is NOT out to get you! There is no cosmic conspiracy to single you out and make your life a living hell! Shit happens-Bad Shit happens and it will continue to happen-that is a sure bet!  And guess what??? Everyone one suffers, some more than others, so in that sense life is fair! But…..

We can make an effort not to be the victim, we can make  an effort to change the way we handle situations, we can decide IF we are going to let something bother us. The choice is ours, we are not powerless!  But it is hard, the habits of years are hard to change and sometimes it can be scary! It’s scary doing new things, but it can also be very invigorating & empowering.

We have to stop standing in the way of our own happiness, we have to stop sabotaging ourselves!  The choice is ours-we should all choose to be happy. It is OK,  if your happiness looks different than mine. That is the beauty of the experience of Life, it is different for each of us!

***

I write these words as someone who has been in the depths of Hades, someone who has come to terms with the darkness that dwells within me, someone who realizes that it is a part of me.

So, I  pledge everyday that I will do whatever I can to increase my happiness. I will give my compassion freely and abundantly-and if I take you in my arms;  know that I won’t hold back!  Because that is one of the things that make me happy!  -SJ

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It starts with a slap on the Ass!

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well, that is what we were all lead to believe

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we don’t even have to think about doing it, it’s automatic  from the moment of our birth until the last moments before leaving this 3 Ring Circus. we all have to do it!  and even though it is automatic the cool thing is that we can learn to control our breathing!

sit still and feel your breath

do you  breathe shallow or does your tummy rise when you inhale?

can you feel the energy from your breath into your finger tips?

Don’t roll your eyes! Give me a chance or maybe a few moments of your time! I promise it won’t hurt!

Sit , lie, stand-it doesn’t matter as long as you feel comfortable. Close your eyes and breathe through your nose fill your lungs deeply, let the air push your tummy out. Slowly exhale through slightly parted lips and then breathe in again. Exhale and breathe in-exhale and breathe in keep going. Just think about your breathing, nothing else!  Slowly, find the pace that is yours.Exhale and breathe in………

Did you feel yourself calming, releasing stress,letting the burdens of life leave you for a moment, being energized by the power of air?

We are all beings of energy and the best way to cleanse and bring our energy back into balance is to learn to breathe- feeding our bodies with oxygen.

Breath is so important and yet we take it for granted, when we take the journey of conscious breathing and practice it we can discover things about ourselves that we never knew were within us.

So did you do it? Were you just still and thinking of only breathing?

You did!  Congratulations, you were Meditating!!

FREE YOUR MIND, YOUR BODY WILL FOLLOW

Retreat

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If only I could retreat into my soul, into the dark warm safety of myself!
Leave everything outside, but life demands my participation!

So, I place a smile upon my face and do what is expected of me, all the while wanting nothing more than to run to my safe place-the place in my soul where it is OK to be me!
The place where I hold my wounded self……..
                                 Sonja Jo

Alles und Nichts! Everything and Nothing!

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-life i can do, it is the moments in between that are unbearable!

-giving up i can’t even do right!

-we wait for life and awake the moment death calls on us!

-regardless of how shitty we feel, life won’t stop to pick us up!

-eat, love, live every moment in mindfulness, taste and savor the richness of this gift!

-what we give, we receive multiplied, but only if given without thoughts of self!

-each life deserves our attention and love!

-when you cry-cry hard and clean your soul!

-i pray that when i see you i see myself!

-never think you have nothing to give, love is the priceless gift!
                             -SJ

My Kintsugi Heart !!

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My Heart looks like Kintsugi pottery!

small kintsugi hearts

Crash course Kintsugi pottery-broken pottery that has been repaired with resins and gold powder. The repaired piece is many times worth more than unbroken due to the craftsmanship and materials used to fix it!

We have all had broken hearts – it is part of life! Some are blessed to have had their hearts broken only a few times. And for us others, well we are just too big hearted, too empathetic-we have big hearts and we can’t help but to love others! And our hearts show it:

kintsugi heart

We don’t have one or two broken lines-no, our hearts show how much we love! And right now mine feels shattered!

AND YES IT HURTS-YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR CHEST-YOU CAN NOT DENY THE FEELING!!  It takes away your breath, your chest is squeezed tight, you think :”Just let me die now-I can”t stand this pain!”  But somehow the Universe does it’s magic and with time the pain goes away and you begin to live again and Love again!

But this time it is different for me-I can feel that I need to be very careful with the mending, I need to take my “Kintsugi work”  very seriously! I feel a hardness creeping into the repair. My inner voice tells me that this is the beginning of a HARDENED HEART !   I have to repair with Love- not bitterness or anger!

But this break, this is so different than any before, this break challenges me, taunts me and evil lurks in the shadow hoping I’ll turn bitter-I can feel the pull-how easy it would be to follow THAT path! To give in to the hate and ugliness. On THAT path the pain is masked by anger and hate and for a short while we feel like we have conquered the pain, but the truth is that : it is still there and when we are alone and daydreaming the pain creeps back up and we find ourselves in a vicious cycle of HURTING and HATING!

And before we realize what has happened, we find that we no longer Love as freely and as innocently as before-we are so afraid of the hurt that we begin to lose our ability to truly Love and be genuine with others. And the saddest in all of this is that we lose the capability to SEE Love that is given to us!

Words of hate or I can not forgive-those are words of evil, of poison, words of keeping us in a cycle of damnation, words of hopelessness!  Words and thoughts that cloud our minds and hearts and keep us from seeing and feeling the Love that is all around us and in everything!

THAT IS NOT ME!

I AM LIGHT!

I AM THE ENCOURAGING WHISPER!

I AM THE GENTLE CARESS!

I AM THE STRENGTH!

I AM HERE!

I AM THE TRUE FRIEND!

I AM LOVE

“LOVE IS ENERGY-LOVE IS ACTON-LOVE IS BIG ”  _S.J.

Awakening

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The fog lifts and you find that you are no longer the same!
When time stands still and you see yourself from a far –  instinctively knowing that you need to approach yourself slowly!
Being conscience of what your feeling-allowing yourself to stand back and observe!
Choosing to experience this rebirth with all of your senses-making the joining of mind body and spirit gentle!
Discarding those feelings and beliefs that led you to this point in time-trying on the new-feeling how it agrees so much better with you!
Realizing that all that is required of you is-living!
That is awakening!

Snuggles

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We snuggled, we giggled, we laughed, we held each other tight!
She told me her secrets, she told me her dreams, she told me how her heart broke for her hurting friends, she told me about a boy she liked a lot!
And as we sat, holding each other I began to FEEL!
I’m trying to find my way home-I’m trying to find me again!
And this little one holds my lifeline in her little hands , she lights the way in the darkness!
She is a gentle, empathic kid! She feels me-her eyes tell me she understands!
And as we sit holding each other I once again can breathe deeply!

Sonja Grogan

What Lehna has taught Me!

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Walking Lehna the other day after a light rain , she sat patiently as I unhooked her lead. She waited knowing what was coming, not fidgeting or trying to hurry the moment, she sat waiting to hear 2 words from me:”LOS SUCH!”
With that she ran as if her life depended on it-she darted here and there-Mommy did not tell her what to look for , but she knew if she found it, what ever it was ,she would bring it back to Mommy!

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Watching her run, her being doing what was embedded in her soul, I began to see it – the total freedom of the moment, she did not care what anyone thought, she did not care what she looked like -she just knew this is it ! This is life-this moment now! And as she headed to a huge mud puddle my heart jumped for her-I cheered her on :”Go ahead Lehna do it!” and she did!
She dove head first into the muddy puddle , she rolled in it, soaking her fur and letting mud get up her nose! And as she did this “Mud dance” I felt the urge to  join her-to abandon all that was proper and lose this human restraint. To be a kid again!
Time passed too quickly and as I called her :”Lehna” I saw the love in her eyes, the joy, the exhaustion, the LIFE!

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And I realized she loves me , not because of how I look or how I dress or if people would  consider me a trophy or how much money I have or what I could do for her-No, she loves Me-the Soul behind the eyes!!!
You see Dogs do not care about those things, only we “Shallow” humans do !

Sonja Grogan

One little lie won’t hurt!

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Well, today is Valentine’s Day and I hope you all have a great one-filled with Love and Truth!

As some of you know (some more than others!) there is this thing that I’m able to do-Knowing when someone is not being honest!

With today being Valentine’s day. I just wanted to remind everyone that, Truth is really the best way to live, in all area of your life! You might think that withholding the truth or telling a little white lie is not going to hurt anyone-your wrong! You need to trust and trust requires that you always tell the truth and get off this notion that you are protecting someone with a little white lie. Because the truth is that when the little white lie is exposed the hurt is compounded!

If this were it!

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As I sit here and wait for the aspirin to lessen the symptoms of Angina, my mind  nears the subject of : Could this be it?
Questions swirl around my mind, keeping me from attaining a state of Zen.
Questions of family,
questions of did I Live, Love, Laugh, Cry, Believe, Give, Care, Dream, Play, Create, Rest…….. enough!
Sitting here afraid to take a deep breath , deep inside I know that by my own standards the answer is NO!

I can’t get enough of this gift of life! It’s beautiful, it’s scary, it’s sad, it’s rich, it’s a rollercoaster, it’s full of surprises!
It is what we make and dream it to be! And my dreams have not all been dreamt-I have dreams to fill 5 life times!

So I tell myself, when this episode is over and my fear is gone , than I will list my dreams and as I make them my reality,
I’ll check them off and let the happiness of accomplishment wash over me!

Until then, I sit still and mentally push the stress away and wait for the aspirin to take effect.

Sonja Grogan